Parenting Gently » tantrums http://parentinggently.com raising our kids with care Wed, 04 Dec 2013 17:26:00 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.7.1 How Do I Get My Child To Do Something NOW? http://parentinggently.com/how-do-i-get-my-child-to-do-something-now/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-do-i-get-my-child-to-do-something-now http://parentinggently.com/how-do-i-get-my-child-to-do-something-now/#comments Sat, 08 Jun 2013 13:56:07 +0000 http://www.parentinggently.com/?p=735     Dear Always Late, I get asked this question a lot!  When you live a life of compromise and mutual consent suddenly needing your child to get in the car LIKE NOW can cause a huge breakdown.  Here’s what I would do: First, have you planned enough time to get ready and be on time? I think sometimes we feel that kids should
Learn more »

The post How Do I Get My Child To Do Something NOW? appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
 

Dear Paige,

How do I get my child to do something that has to be done right now? Like get in the car when we have to be somewhere?  This always turns into a fight here.

Help!

Always Late

 

Dear Always Late,

I get asked this question a lot!  When you live a life of compromise and mutual consent suddenly needing your child to get in the car LIKE NOW can cause a huge breakdown.  Here’s what I would do:

First, have you planned enough time to get ready and be on time? I think sometimes we feel that kids should get ready on our schedule.  We can want this to be true until we’re blue in the face but the reality is it just takes longer to get ready with kids.  So, think again, could this problem be solved by leaving more time to not be rushed?

How much time would you leave if you were taking your grandmother with dementia to a doctor appt? Would you expect her to be on your timetable?  Would you scream and yell for her to hurry? Probably not.

Next, is there a reason behind your child’s reluctance to get in the car?  They might just be a slow poke or there might be an underlying reason like fear of the destination, hunger, anger/sadness about missing Super Why! or something like that.  Taking the time to check in with your child’s feelings creates a connection that makes the next part more palatable.

Lastly, it is important sometimes to GET IN THE CAR! If grandma needs to see the doctor it is going to happen even if she doesn’t want to, right? (Sometimes? Maybe not. When you are doing something to someone that they are literally kicking and screaming about always take a moment to question the necessity: is this task worth the disconnection that force is creating?)

When getting in the car is mandatory follow these steps:  Plan, Prep, Present.

Plan – Do you have a snack/lovey/drink/pillow/other item whose absence could cause a meltdown? Do your kids know where they’re going and where they’re going after that? Is there something fun there? “We’re going to the doctor and then to the library.”

Prep – Talk about when you’re leaving early and often.  ”When the big hand is on the 3″ or “After Syd the Science Kid” or “5 more minutes.”  And then keep it up.  Kids have difficulty with transitions so make sure they know it is coming.  I also think it is important to do this with TRUST.  Saying “5 more minutes and then we are leaving so you better get your shoes on” in a snarky tone creates disconnection.  Saying “5 more minutes of Candyland and then you need to put your shoes on” said in a happy, or at least neutral, voice makes a world of difference.  Kids don’t become responsible to make us happy they become responsible because we show faith that they will.

Present – Give options.  I’m not usually a fan of lose-lose options like “eat your dinner or starve” – that’s not really a choice!  But, when it is really important I do say things like “Do you want to climb up in your seat or do you want me to lift you?” (happy or neutral not as a threat!) or “Do you want to walk or skip to the car?” works with little kids who will be happy to try skipping.

Presenting options shouldn’t be a reason to use threats but should be an authentic chance for them to make some decision in the process.  Keeping this interaction authentic and not threatening keeps the connection strong.

With a little forethought you can turn car trips into a smooth transition and maintain connection with your kids.

~Paige

The post How Do I Get My Child To Do Something NOW? appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
http://parentinggently.com/how-do-i-get-my-child-to-do-something-now/feed/ 0
Practical Tips for Gentle Discipline http://parentinggently.com/practical-tips-for-gentle-discipline/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=practical-tips-for-gentle-discipline http://parentinggently.com/practical-tips-for-gentle-discipline/#comments Mon, 11 Jun 2012 08:37:13 +0000 http://www.parentinggently.com/?p=495 I thought we’d start the week off with several authors who have written posts with great real life examples of gentle parenting.  First up is Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog who tells us to Watch Your Language; There are children around!  Last year, Mrs. Green reminded us to use the word YES! more often.  This year she reminds us of a word we should use less: NO! “Language
Learn more »

The post Practical Tips for Gentle Discipline appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
This is box title
This post was originally published during the 2011 Carnival of Gentle Discipline. The 2012 Carnival of Gentle Discipline is right around the corner! Click here for more information.

I thought we’d start the week off with several authors who have written posts with great real life examples of gentle parenting.  First up is Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog who tells us to Watch Your Language; There are children around!  Last year, Mrs. Green reminded us to use the word YES! more often.  This year she reminds us of a word we should use less: NO!

  • “Language is one of our most powerful tools. We can speak words of love or words of hatred. How we speak to our children becomes part of the foundation on which they build their lives. Fill them with loving, positive, empowering words and they have a platform on which to build confidence, self esteem, motivation and self love.”

What we need to do is reframe our language to ask for what we do want instead of what we don’t.

  • “TRY THIS: Instead of saying ‘Don’t make a mess’ try ‘let’s tidy your room.’”

Mrs. Green’s post is chock full of specific advice and how to implement it.  This is literally advice you can implement today!  What are you waiting for?

Pearl in Oyster builds on this idea through correcting negative behavior by showing what they *can* do instead of enacting arbitrary consequences and punishment.  In her post, Rubber Meets the Road, she says,

  • I don’t believe that punishment (doing something TO C as a negative reinforcement with the purpose of making her hurt or feel bad about what she has done/said with the intention that she might then avoid doing whatever it was again) ever needs to be one of my tools.

Instead she uses playful parenting, scripting, and do overs.

  • What I can do at this point is teach her to redirect the aggressive energy she feels into a more socially acceptable channel.

I don’t want to give it away but you have to hear her very practical examples!  She also addresses the difference between time-out and, what I call time-in.  Once again – very applicable techniques you can add to your gentle repertoire today.

The Hippie Housewife continues with her post Gentle Discipline for Toddlers where she shares her top 5 tips for toddlerhood.  Her first tip “Don’t take it too seriously” has invaluable advice for parents struggling with the sometimes frustrating job of parenting toddlers,

  • Take a deep breath.  This is just a stage; it will pass.  They shriek because they can’t talk.  They melt down because they don’t know what else to do with these huge feelings.  They persist because they want what they want and don’t yet have the developmental ability to reason much beyond that.  The more worked up you get, the more they feed off of your negative energy, so take that deep breath and stay calm.

Amen!  I know this will be my new mantra to help me center in moments of frustration.  Click over to read her other wonderful tips.

Lastly, Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now talks about an oft puzzling aspect of parenting – the negative effects of praise and rewards – and how Montessori approaches the issue.

  • As a matter of fact, telling our children how smart and talented they are can create the opposite of what we want. It can make our children afraid to attempt new things, afraid of failure, afraid to not meet everyone’s expectations. What does the research suggest? When we praise, it’s best for the praise to be related to the effort our children made. For praise to be effective, it also needs to be specific and sincere.

She provides 5 specific tools that Montessorians use to meet this goal that we can all start using.

 

****

 

I hope this first day of the Carnival gave you some practical techniques that will help you practice parenting gently.  If you have questions about specific issues, please submit your Question here!

The post Practical Tips for Gentle Discipline appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
http://parentinggently.com/practical-tips-for-gentle-discipline/feed/ 0
How do you get your toddler to listen? http://parentinggently.com/how-do-you-get-your-toddler-to-listen/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-do-you-get-your-toddler-to-listen http://parentinggently.com/how-do-you-get-your-toddler-to-listen/#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2011 20:06:00 +0000 http://www.parentinggently.com/?p=18 I am really struggling with my elder daughter in terms of disobedience at the moment. I do know that she is struggling because she doesn’t get as much attention as she used to, since her sister (who is very high need) arrived 7 months ago. I try to give her special time on her own with me as much as possible, and try to
Learn more »

The post How do you get your toddler to listen? appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
I am really struggling with my elder daughter in terms of disobedience at the moment. I do know that she is struggling because she doesn’t get as much attention as she used to, since her sister (who is very high need) arrived 7 months ago. I try to give her special time on her own with me as much as possible, and try to do things together with her, like baking cookies etc, with her sister in the baby carrier. Nothing seems to change the rampant disobedience. I can deal with the floor or furniture getting scribbled on – it’s frustrating, but I can handle it. What is really perturbing me are the safety issues. She will do her best to pull her hand out of mine crossing the street or in a car park; running up the driveway to the road; trying to go outside by herself, or into the garage ( which is a real concern as we get snakes in our garage during the summer, and our landscaper recently found a large copperhead a few yards from our garage. I try getting down to her level, looking her in the eye and explaining why I don’t want her to do these things. I empathise, but what usually happens is she kicks and fights and then runs away or will block her ears and shout at me to “stop saying that”. She will repeat the exact same thing that I have just explained to her that I don’t want her to do for x or y reason, the minute I have finished explaining why. And, depending on how many times we have done the same cycle that day, eventually I sometimes put her in time out because I just don’t know what else to do, even though I don’t think it is effective parenting. Some suggestions would be really appreciated

The post How do you get your toddler to listen? appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
http://parentinggently.com/how-do-you-get-your-toddler-to-listen/feed/ 9
Recent wild tantrums http://parentinggently.com/recent-wild-tantrums/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=recent-wild-tantrums http://parentinggently.com/recent-wild-tantrums/#comments Thu, 30 Jun 2011 01:47:00 +0000 http://www.parentinggently.com/?p=14 Hi, I am new here so I hope this question hasn’t been asked a million times already. I have twin two year olds and recently one of them has been having awful tantrums for no reason I can figure out. I know he knows what’s wrong, he just can’t communicate it to me. I’m just not sure how to handle the tantrums–do I just
Learn more »

The post Recent wild tantrums appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
Hi, I am new here so I hope this question hasn’t been asked a million times already. I have twin two year olds and recently one of them has been having awful tantrums for no reason I can figure out. I know he knows what’s wrong, he just can’t communicate it to me. I’m just not sure how to handle the tantrums–do I just let him flail on the floor wildly, rolling about and flopping all av the room? He won’t let me hold him, or if he does he still screams and flails around like a floppy fish. He also likes to bang his head against the wall and sometimes he even head butts me! I’m just not sure what to do. I consider myself an attached parent and use gentle/positive discipline and I try to learn more everyday as none of my family or friends around me really parent this way. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks!!

The post Recent wild tantrums appeared first on Parenting Gently.

]]>
http://parentinggently.com/recent-wild-tantrums/feed/ 4